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ow do we truly become the very best version of ourselves? That’s the big question I have been trying to answer over the last several years as everyone in the personal growth space seems to be telling us to “become the best version of yourself” and “live your best life.” I’m a huge fan of personal growth, and I’m all about living my best life, but what is it that we are trying to achieve? What does our very best self really look like? What is it that we need to be chasing? What goal do we need to achieve in order to feel like we are living our best life? Is it the dream job with a generous six-figure salary? The beautiful house with the white picket fence? The perfect marriage with 2.5 kids and a well-trained dog? The ideal body with six-pack abs and long beautiful lashes? A successful business? A New York Times Bestseller? 10,000 followers so we can get the swipe-up? A life filled with traveling and fun adventures? All the latest greatest things? Hustle-filled days full of personal accomplishments and happiness for achieving them?
My friends like to use the phrase “living the dream” or LTD for short. I think we all heard that quote for the first time in the 2005 hit-comedy, Wedding Crashers. If you’ve seen the movie, then you remember that famous scene with Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson when Will’s character says, “I’m just living the dream.” I hear that phrase all the time now, but what does LTD really mean? Is it just a catchy line we like to use to label one of those truly awesome days or experiences, or does it mean that we have finally achieved what feels like our very best life (hopefully not crashing weddings and living with Mom and her meatloaf)?
As we strive to become this best version of ourselves and live our best lives, are we transforming ourselves into who we or others think we should be, or are we fully embracing who God made us to be? What is it that produces happiness and true fulfillment in life? A life full of success or a life filled with peace, joy, and purpose no matter the circumstances?
I’ve been on this pursuit of becoming a better version of myself for probably the last decade, and it’s in the last few years that I have really defined what I think it means to be my best self and live my best life. The best version of myself embraces who I am and who I am becoming as a follower of Christ. It looks like taking care of myself so I can be my best self. It looks like taking time to fill my cup each day so that I have an abundance of energy to love and serve others. Living my best life or living the dream is pursuing a life filled with peace, joy, and purpose each day. It’s focusing on what truly matters and saying no to the things that don’t. It’s finding the good in every season and situation. It’s not living life for me but living life to serve and encourage others. It’s creating greatness even when life isn’t so great.
I wish that life could always be great. It’s pretty easy to feel like we are living the dream or living our best life when everything is going well, right? But if you’ve been living long enough you know that life can be pretty tough sometimes. Our journey through life is often filled with painful bumps in the road, long detours, and empty tanks. Things happen, our plans change, and certain seasons are just downright busy, exhausting, sad, and disappointing. It’s not always easy to find peace and joy or the good in a situation when we feel like we are simply surviving and definitely not thriving.
The important question we need to ask is, can we still pursue the best version of ourselves and live our best lives when life is not so great? Is there still a way to fill our cup in order to create energy when we simply feel depleted? Can we find purpose in our most challenging seasons? Is there a way to cultivate peace in the chaos and joy through our sadness? Are we able to find the good in situations that don’t feel so good?
These are all great questions, and I think the answer is, although we can’t control a lot of what happens each day, we still have a choice in the way we show up for ourselves and others. Choose is such a powerful word, and sometimes we forget that despite what’s going on around us, we still get to choose our mood, our attitude, and our actions. We choose our perspective and mindset. We choose what we consume, create, and share. Life is not always going to be great, but yes, we can still create greatness.
I was feeling pretty great as I embarked on this journey of writing a second book, hoping to inspire and encourage people in a more tactical way. I had just published my first book sharing my own story and personal transformation journey, giving me a new-found sense of courage and confidence like never before. I was feeling ambitious and energetic about the best version of myself that I was pursuing. I had learned to create joy and purpose in my own life and wanted to use my words to encourage others to do the same.
2020 was off to a great start, filled with reflection over the last decade and anticipation and fired-up excitement about a new decade and year ahead. I had big dreams and goals, a full calendar, and a plan with such clarity it probably sounded crazy to those who knew about it. Growth had been my theme over the last 10 years as my husband and I grew our family, careers, and our home while courage and impact were the two words I was focusing on for this next decade in my 40’s.
I was organized and ready for what would be a busy, but memorable year for our family. My eagerness led me to filling out all the calendars and planners with our schedules, activities, important events, and goals. My girls and I even made vision boards for the first time ever. We had big plans for travel and fun adventures, celebrations and weddings in 2020. Our girls had just gotten their first passports, and we looked forward to our first international trip together to visit our military family in Germany. We booked an awesome house for our 11th annual beach trip with our friends, and we were also looking forward to a trip to Mexico to celebrate a college friend’s 40th birthday. Our summer was going to be amazing.
In early February I completed my 3rd full marathon in celebration of turning 40 the previous month. I had simultaneously trained for the race while writing my first book, my two ambitious goals for turning 40. Go big or go home, right? We took family photos that very same day (because I am crazy, and our original date got rained out) to promote my book and new blog and to celebrate life and all our many blessings. With sore legs but a very full heart, I smiled and laughed while our photographer captured some great shots of our family. Our dog even took a swim in the pond of our college campus, ending our family photo session with a bang. It was a really good LTD kind of day.
And as if that wasn’t enough excitement for the year, a few weeks later, my husband successfully defended his dissertation for his doctorate degree in education at Baylor University. After six long years of hard work and sacrifice, determination and persistence (and many tears from his mostly supportive wife), it was finally his day to shine. He did it, and we were so proud and couldn’t wait to see him walk across the stage a few months later for his hooding ceremony and much deserved diploma. So many things were going right in our world, and the year was just getting started. 2020 was on target to be a stellar year for our family. And maybe you were feeling that way too. Like us, you had big plans and expectations, goals and aspirations. It was a new year, a new decade, and it just felt like it was going to be great. But 2020 was only great until it wasn’t great anymore. It would definitely be a memorable year, but for very different reasons.
That’s the crazy thing about life. It’s wildly unpredictable and most definitely not fair. Everything can be going great until something changes in a flash. And that’s what happened in March of 2020 in a big way for literally everyone on this planet. We were already shocked and saddened by the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter and friends in late January, but no one could have predicted what else was coming our way. Life as we knew it literally came to a screeching halt as spring break ended for a lot of the kids in our country. All of our routines and plans were completely disrupted as the entire world was suddenly flipped upside down, or at least it felt that way. Spring break was instantly the longest spring break in history.
I had just begun writing this book when everything changed. I knew I wanted to write a book in 2020 encouraging others with this idea of filling up to spill out in order to be the best version of themselves, but I had no idea what kind of season I would be writing it in. I started this book in February when life was pretty great. I felt like I was in a good position to encourage others, specifically busy moms like me, to make time for themselves, learning how to fill their cup in order to cultivate peace, joy, and purpose in their life. So, when life suddenly got crazy, I was naturally tempted to put this project on hold. After all, why would anyone want to read about living your best life or filling your cup in a season of change and hardship, a season when most people were just trying to survive. It suddenly felt hard.
I too was struggling with the confusing change and uncertainty all around me. Like everyone else, my family and I were just trying to navigate our way through a season we had not planned for. I was disappointed and sad about everything I was having to draw a line through on my calendar. I was frustrated with the changes at my work and our kids not getting to go to school and finish out the year. I felt a little bitter about my husband getting to work from home with our girls, while I was considered essential and had to report to work every day wearing a mask.
I stopped writing for several weeks, not sure if the timing was right for this book or if it would ever be right, but then I decided to come back to it. I came to the realization that God put this particular book on my heart in 2020, because He wanted me to write it when life wasn’t so great. He wanted me to find a way to cultivate peace, joy, and purpose in real-time as I wrote this book about filling your cup. Writing wasn’t just for my readers but was also for me in a stressful season when I needed it. Writing gave me a much-needed creative and therapeutic outlet to really process what I was going through during a tough season. I needed something else to focus on besides my healthcare job which was stressful. I needed a distraction from all the negativity in the news and on social media. I needed to learn how to keep filling my own cup in a season filled with disappointment. God was calling me to intentionally focus on what truly mattered and to encourage others to do the same.
So, here we are. As I continue to write this book during the year of 2020, we are living through Coronavirus (Covid-19), and life is strangely different and challenging and most certainly frustrating. We are making history as each week and month passes by. We are being told to stay home, wash our hands (because apparently, we weren’t washing them before), practice social distancing, home-school our children (also known as virtual learning), and do everything we can to slow down the spread of this novel virus. Flatten the curve is what they are urging us to do, but it’s more like flatten our tires, as we feel stranded from the life we were comfortable with and loved. We were made for community, to do life with others, to go places and do things, and we are now being told to just be still.
It’s become strangely difficult to find things like toilet paper, cleaning products, and grocery items. The media has caused people to panic-buy and hoard. Big box stores are literally wiped out clean, while small businesses have been forced to close their doors. It doesn’t seem fair. We are inconvenienced, saddened, and fearful for what lies ahead. Every event, activity, and gathering of people has been marked off our calendar. School is closed for the remainder of the school year, and it’s unclear when or how kids will return to the classroom. Colleges look like ghost towns. The much-anticipated summer Olympics have even been cancelled. And sadly, lots of weddings are being postponed or changed to much smaller intimate gatherings.
Everyone is having to adapt to this new Covid way of life. People are shopping for essential items while wearing a mask or any sort of face covering and standing 6 feet away from others. Plexi glass and floor stickers telling us where to stand has become part of the new and interesting shopping experience. Essential workers are on the frontlines, learning to provide goods and services in new and creative ways. More people are turning to online shopping or curbside pickup than ever before. Everything seems to be going virtual including school, meetings, and doctor’s visits. Some healthcare workers are working harder than ever before wearing the same mask for more days than they’d like to count, and others are being sent home as elective procedures and non-urgent care is being put on hold. Millions of people are losing their jobs, including healthcare workers in the middle of a healthcare crisis which seems absolutely crazy. Gas prices are dropping. What’s considered essential versus non-essential is confusing as liquor stores are left open, while our churches and hair salons have been forced to close their doors.
We are spending much more time in our homes than ever before. It’s become political, media-driven, and divisive, and it doesn’t seem to be going away. Covid-19 is being called a global pandemic, but what it feels like is a really bad dream. Except that we are not waking up from this nightmare. We feel trapped, isolated, and overwhelmed by the change. It’s turning into an economic crisis like no other, and there is literally no end in sight. It’s hard to know what to believe or who to believe anymore, as everything feels so terribly wrong.
As we’re learning and adapting to this new “normal,” we miss the life we knew filled with friends, school, activities and job security. Filling our cup suddenly feels like an impossible task when our rhythms and routines have been completely disrupted. If it’s not the virus itself, it’s the closure of the country and all the social distancing that’s made life feel so hard. It’s tempting to just want to throw in the towel, “let everything go,” and just simply survive this crazy season we’ve been dealt. Why should we care about investing in ourselves and living our best lives in a year filled with hardship? Why should I even keep writing this book? Or running when all my races have been cancelled? Why does anything really matter right now?
Well, it matters because life goes on, and like everything else, this too shall pass (or at least we hope it does). It’s possible to reframe this time and this season as a gift and not the curse that it feels like right now. We were not made to just go through life, but bravely grow through life and all it’s difficult seasons. This is our time to learn and grow and encourage others while doing so. It’s important to fill our cups each day so we can be strong for those who need us. Just like our car can only go so far on empty, we too must stop and refuel to keep going. If we want to continue to live a life filled with peace, joy, and purpose, we must learn to fill our cup even when times are hard.
Especially when times are hard.
Now is the perfect time to focus on what truly matters.
If we want to create energy and a feeling of inner peace and joy no matter the circumstances, we must take care of ourselves in a way that produces it. We must make time to fill up in order to spill out to others, hence the title of this book and my blog, “Fill up to Spill out, because we can’t pour from an empty cup.”
But what should we be pouring into our cup each day? What is it that refuels us when our tank is running dry? What gives us the energy we need to do the things we wish to do? When I tell you to fill your cup, what is it that comes to mind?
Do you think of coffee or tea?
Hot or iced?
Starbuck’s or Dunkin’ Donuts?
Well, if you’re paying, I’ll take a holiday cup filled with a non-fat dirty chai latte please. Or maybe just a coffee with my favorite seasonal pumpkin spice creamer (don’t you think it should be available year-round?). Coffee is the fuel we need to keep going. Coffee is the answer to all of life’s problems, and coffee fixes everything (or wine if it’s after 5).
I’m joking, but that does sound delicious, right? We all love our coffee and our wine, or some version of liquid deliciousness in our lives. But what I am talking about is so much more than your morning cup of joe or evening glass of wine, although I rarely start or end my day without one.
The fuel I’m referring to is a much larger investment in what truly matters. It’s intentionally pursuing the things that give us energy and bring us peace, joy, and purpose every single day. It’s spending time doing the things that fill us up and allow us to function at our very best. This time we invest in ourselves and the things that truly matter is time well spent. In fact, it’s an essential component to living a life of purpose, impact, and service to others. We cannot serve well or love well if we are not pouring back into ourselves. If we are not taking care of our own health, learning and growing, resting and refueling, we don’t perform well. We don’t love well, lead well, or take care of things well.
I know this from personal experience and also because of my job as a health care provider. I’m a working mom with a day job as a family nurse practitioner in a community clinic. I see lots of busy moms like me (and dads too) that are not pouring into themselves. They do all the things for all the people without ever taking time to fill their own cup. They are tired and drained and say they never have time for themselves. They are literally running on empty.
They often come to me feeling anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, unhealthy, and unfulfilled. They want to feel better, have more energy, feel calmer and less anxious, and they are often looking for an easy fix, a pill or supplement or something to “fill them up.”
A lot of them do leave with a pill for their mood or to help them sleep (and there’s nothing wrong with that), but what they really need to do is make time for themselves. They need to exercise, eat healthy, go to therapy, listen to podcasts, read their Bible, organize their life, set goals for themselves, find ways to cultivate the peace and joy they desire, and ask for help. They need to work on filling their own cup so they can be the better spouse, parent, worker, and friend they wish to be.
When I am not pouring into my own physical, mental, and spiritual health every single day, I have much less to give to others. When I am not creating pockets of time in my day to fill my cup and protect my peace, I do not feel my best, and therefore the people around me do not receive my best. Instead, they get the depleted unhappy version of me, and who really wants that?
My people deserve a loving, present and patient, and encouraging wife, mom, daughter, friend, coworker, and healthcare provider. I need to be able to show up and be the best version of myself each and every day. I need to show up not only on the good days, but the tough ones too. I need to keep showing up even in the middle of this global pandemic.
In the following chapters, I will be sharing some of the things that have helped me fill my cup over the years as I pursue my very best life. My goal in writing this book is to encourage you through my own journey and personal experiences to cultivate peace, joy, and purpose in your life as well. Each chapter will include some of the ways I’ve learned to fill my cup in order to serve others as my very best self.
And as I’m writing this book during the middle of the 2020 Covid pandemic, I will also be sharing my personal experiences, perspective, and lessons learned in real-time as I walk through it. I will end the book with the chapter, filling up with Jesus, because without Him at the core of everything in my life, without my faith as the foundation, nothing really matters. Nothing fills us up like the one who gave His life for us. He fills our cup with love, joy, hope and peace. He restores us like no other, filling our cup in a way that naturally flows out to others. I hope you’ll find this book to be helpful and encouraging, but most of all I hope you’ll embrace who God made you to be, while pursuing who you are becoming through Him.
~ Allison
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